All of the Feels

They say: "Hey!  How are things going with the baby?  How are you feeling??"

I say: "Good!  The baby is good.  Everything is going well!"

What I really mean is: "I am feeling about 100 feelings all at once right now, the baby situation is crazy-complicated, I doubt you are truly interested in hearing all about it, and I honestly don't have that kind of time, so I'm gonna settle with 'good'."

It's not a lie, I do feel good.

I also feel angry, frustrated, disappointed, sad, heartbroken, excited, grateful, disgusted, elated, nervous, worried, stressed out, tired, anxious, uncomfortable, thankful, mad at myself, and in love with the world.

I am angry because my country does not support paid maternity leave, and navigating mine as a part-time public educator who has recently used up all her sick days for her cancer treatment is ridiculous.
I am frustrated because organizing child care hinges on my work schedule next year, which in turn depends on our school schedule, which depends on the availability of other itinerant specialist teachers, which depends on the other elementary schools' schedules, which depends on district-wide staffing, which depends on the budget, which depends on... (you get the idea).

I am disappointed because I will likely be having surgery between now and when our baby is born because I still have cancer, and cancer will always be a part of my life, and no matter how many wonderful things happen in my life - like having a baby - everything will always have a thread of cancer running through it.

I am sad that just by being born, my child will immediately have to incorporate that thread into her life's fabric.

I am increasingly heartbroken that I cannot carry my baby myself.

I am SO DAMNED EXCITED that we are having a baby girl!

I am eternally grateful for Crystal, Ben, and their two boys.

I am disgusted with the amount of consumerism, sexism, and entitlement that accompanies the culture of "baby stuff."

I am elated when I think of Tom and I as parents.

I am nervous when I think of Tom and I as parents.

I am worried about how much money we have.

I am stressed out because I care about and pride myself on doing my job well, and sometimes I am too tired to do it as well as I'd like to.

I am tired because my life-saving drugs fuck me up and make me tired.

I am anxious because my life-saving drugs fuck up my digestive system and make me need a bathroom regularly.

I am uncomfortable because my life-saving drugs fuck up my circulatory system and make my feet hurt every day.

I am thankful for my life-saving drugs, and all of the astoundingly amazing care I have received.

I am mad at myself because I don't care about other people and their problems as much as I want to care about them.

I am in love with the world that presents such a multitude of contradictions and paradoxes.

I am overwhelmed.